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December 31st, 2016 by ΔΠΣ - Seattle, WA - USA
Researchers Discover Starbucks Coffee Made from Ground up Children with ADHD
Scientists working to create new Units of Measures, Names and Flavors for Starbucks came upon a startling discovery while researching why their brand of viscous gut-rot is so appealing and addictive to Millenials. It turns out
that the substance they've been brewing is actually just ground up children with ADHD, many containing high doses of Methylphenidate, HCl (Ritalin) - an addictive substance that excites the Prefontal Cortex, as well
as other Central Nervous System Stimulants.
Lead Researcher, Isaac Liebnitz, stated "I was quite shocked. But it really does explain the burnt flavor characteristic of our brews. I can't really comment on why it is so attractive to Millenials, which was actually the purpose
for this research. That's confidential but we're pretty certain we know why." Leaked documents on the research suggest that that the brew self-medicates, and explains why it is such a popular beverage amongst Millenials.
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